Surprise! It's fear again...

I confess it took me by surprise. Sent me into a tail spin... knocked me for loop. Like I feel I've circled right back to the beginning of the enough journey. Way back to the time it reared it's ugly head in my college years. The time I took up residence in the Land of Not Enough and became a slave to fear.

My momma reminded me a few days ago how when I was in labor with the oldest I looked at her and said, I've made a mistake. I thought this was a good idea but it wasn't. I can't do this, let's just not do this.

But I know now what I didn't know then. The other side of labor reveals wide open spaces in the daughter I'm blessed to call my own.



When I returned from the long Saturday journey full of new I wanted to say the words I was thinking. I wanted to sit right down and send the I've made a mistake and I can't do this e-mail. Fear had me in a panic feeling like I never left the land He's been leading me out of for so long.

And just like parenting this new journey is taking me to unknown places, entering new lands, and driving over tall exit ramps. (More on the subject of ramps later.) I could stop now. Sit right down in two year old fashion and refuse to take another step.

It's the way fear works. The enemy using my most vulnerable areas to attack. How weird it is to feel like giving up and know the Spirit is calling me forward. I'll not choose the former.

Because going back only leads to prison cells. They might feel comfortable, familiar plastered like wallpaper on all sides. But a prison is a prison, and living enough means living free.

My sister sends the prayer for me... full of wide open spaces and I get it. Leaving what we know to journey in the new takes faith. Believing when He calls, He makes a way. No matter how my hands shake or how fast my heart beats. Faith is not the absence of fear, but the courage to keep moving in spite of it.

I sang the words to the Dixie Chic song. Yes, even country music can speak to my soul.  The tune played through my head as the sun awoke and painted deep pink over the hay meadow.

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about.

Who's never left home, who's never struck out.
To find a dream and life of her own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone.

She needs wide open spaces,
Room to make the big mistakes.
She needs new faces,
She knows the higher stakes...

This new journey has me letting go and facing new. Me striking out to take the next step, go where the Spirit leads. Living completely enough has always been the dream and it only comes when I build my foundation on the Rock.

From the outside it doesn't seem much is at stake, but for me its risky. I'll make mistakes on the way, but in the end, this road of enough will open wide His spaces. Moving through fear is the labor that will get me there.

Whew! This is gonna take some work, not mine but His. Willingness is all I've got, and for now it is enough.

Lenten Reflections: Worship

Some Sunday mornings I find it hard to get going. In the quiet of a still house the warmth of my bed calls to me, and sleeping late seems good. There are Sunday mornings I go through the motions because it's what I do... what I've done all my life. This was one of those mornings.

I entered the dim sanctuary, guitar slung over my shoulder, bag heavy in my hand. The microphones needed setting up, stools put in place, music stands set for the morning. It's been a year now. Gathering with others to begin Sunday mornings through prayer and praise. The group of worshipers span all ages and stages of life.

She's the youngest of our worshipers... the tiny tot with the blonde hair. She walked in holding the hand of her grandfather and sat snuggled among cousins. The music began and she bobbed her head, clapped her hands all the while grinning from ear to ear. 

During this Lenten season we've joined voices in praying the Prayers of the People, an old tradition in our church I encountered for the first time at church camp as a young girl. The prayer takes time as people voice their concerns for our world, our community and our church. As we completed our time of prayer with the Lord's Prayer, I raised my eyes and see her there. Sitting on her grandfather's lap, eyes closed, resting. I wondered has she fallen asleep? 

As we sang our last song the worshipers greeted each other, shared God's love, and she entered the aisle to leave. Only she's not leaving... she's DANCING. Her aunt watched as her little hands clap and she moved to the music. I giggled inside because there are times I would like to dance in the aisle just like her.

This was the Sunday we talked about saints. How every Believer is a saint and each one of us is called to invest in the growing, loving, and teaching of others. That tiny pig tailed girl just now learning to talk gave this girl a lesson on worship I won't soon forget.

She taught me to hold tight to the Father's hand as I enter His sanctuary to worship. She reminded me sometimes going through the motions means sitting right down snuggled in among other Believers, my brothers and sisters in Christ.

When it's time to pray and you've used up all your words, why not get comfortable and close your eyes. Rest in the knowledge the one's lap you sit in has it all under control, and He'll never let you go. 

And shouldn't we all leave worship dancing down the aisles... moving to the rhythm of His love and grace?Bubbling over with joy.

Jesus said it once, "unless you turn and become like little children, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven". Who knew such a power packed truth would come through the little one just learning to say my name. The preacher was right Sunday. Every single one of us is a saint, from the youngest to the oldest. And we all have a message to give, and gifts to use, time to invest in others.

She won't remember the Sunday she taught me to worship. But I will... it's a lesson I'll never forget.